Happiness, p.1
Happiness, page 1
Happiness
SASHA GREENE
First published in Great Britain as Something Like Happy by HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2019
This edition titled Happiness issued 2023 by Sasha Greene
Copyright © Sasha Greene 2019 and 2023
Cover illustration © Fully Booked Design
Sasha Greene asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work. The writing of this work has not been assisted by AI in any way.
This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, used in AI sytems, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of the publisher.
Ebook ISBN: 978-1-7399369-3-8
Table of Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Author Note
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Epilogue: Six Weeks Later
Excerpt from Trust
Acknowledgements
This book is for anyone who has thought they would never get through the day, but somehow managed.
You are amazing.
And in memory of all those who couldn’t.
Author Note
Just to avoid any disappointment, this book was previously published with the title Something Like Happy, so if you've read that book you don't need to read this one.
The story grew out of a wish to write about ordinary people who are struggling with their mental health but are just getting on with their lives as best as they can. I am aware that this book contains subjects which some people may find emotional or triggering. If you are struggling with your own mental health then do make sure you talk to someone, whether that's a trusted friend or a qualified professional. There are lots of organisations which can provide information and assistance and an internet search will help you find them, or you can always talk to your local doctor.
You’ll find a diverse range of characters in this book, which represents the Glasgow I know and love. If you like the book please tell a friend, or leave a review, so that other people can enjoy it as much as you did.
Some of the places I have described are made up or altered for the purposes of this story. The Necropolis is real though and the view from the top is as stunning as I have described. If you have never visited Glasgow then I would invite you to make a trip and experience all that the city has to offer.
Chapter 1
Nick leaned over the grey stone parapet, considering the distance to the road below. It should be enough to kill him. His heart pounded at the thought, but it was the easiest way he could think of. One simple jump and he’d be gone. And even if he didn’t succeed, at the very least he’d be in hospital, which would mean a blessed release from his daily grind and the ache of loneliness that wore him down.
He focused his gaze on the skyline and gripped the rough surface with his shaking hands. Easy peasy. All he had to do was close his eyes and jump. He went through the motions in his imagination. Early tomorrow would do it. Sunday morning around here was always deserted. He needed just a little more time to gather his courage.
It had to be tomorrow. There was no other choice. No way he could go back into that office on Monday morning.
‘I wouldn’t lean so far over if I were you.’
A female voice broke into Nick’s thoughts, a local accent from the sound of it. He felt a surge of irritation and didn’t bother turning to look at who was behind him. Jeez, what was wrong with this place? His life was filled with people telling him what to do and now he couldn’t even plan his suicide in peace without someone interfering.
‘Go away.’ He folded his arms, standing stiffly, ready to wait until she disappeared.
‘It’ll hurt if you splat on the road.’
Her matter of fact tone and choice of words surprised him and he swivelled to look at the speaker. A short, waif-like girl stood in front of him. She looked no more than eighteen. Her pale skin clashed horribly with her jet-black dyed hair, which was gathered up in the worst-kept hairstyle ever. Wait, was that strips of sparkly green in among the black? Her bright red coat combined with her goth-style hair was like nothing he had seen before in his life.
He turned away. ‘Leave me in peace.’
‘You don’t look like you want to be left in peace. You look sad. Sad people normally want cheering up.’ It was childlike, how direct she was. And somehow kind of refreshing.
Nick turned again and frowned at her. ‘Don’t kids of your age have better things to do than harass strangers?’
‘Kids?’ She folded her arms, squinting at him against the sun. ‘I’m twenty-fucking-three, for fuck's sake.’
The same age as himself. Now that he looked closer at her, he could actually see fine lines at the corner of her eyes. He was willing to give her the twenty-three, although she still looked young for her age. ‘Do you always swear so much?’
She shrugged. ‘Sometimes.’
This wasn’t how Nick had imagined his day panning out. Here he was, standing on a bridge, arguing with someone about swear words. It all seemed kind of surreal.
‘Anyway,’ the girl said, looking as if all this discussion bored her, ‘I came to give you my happy list. You look like you need it.’ The cold spring wind whipped her hair around her face and she reached for a handful, tucking it behind her ear.
‘Your what?’ Nick frowned again. He wasn’t quite following. His brain, so focused on what he had been thinking about before she interrupted him, was struggling to catch up.
‘A happy list. I wrote it. It’s things to do when I feel sad. To cheer me up.’ She spoke slowly, as if she was speaking to someone in a foreign language.
‘Like a bucket list?’ Nick was intrigued.
She blew out her cheeks, obviously considering the idea. ‘Kind of, I guess. But a bucket list is things to do before you die. These are things you can do all the time.’ One hand made a dismissive gesture. ‘Anyway, if you want to come with me to the top of the hill, I’ll show you the first thing on the list.’
She turned and walked away towards the gravel path that wound up through the scattered tombstones of the Necropolis, leaving him staring after her. His head swivelled back to the drop below. It was a choice between his own dark thoughts and the idea of talking to someone who claimed to have the answer to happiness. It took only a moment before he hurried after her.
Nick caught up with the red coat when she was already half-way up the slope, breathing hard as he came alongside her. He hadn’t realised how much he had let himself go over the last six months. He looked at her, expecting another pithy comment, but she just smiled politely at him and continued walking. A heavily decorated gravestone to his right caught his eye. The Necropolis. A strange idea really. Rich people, paying vast sums of money to make sure they were remembered when they died. It all looked very impressive. But did anyone really remember who these people were?
They walked in silence all the way up the winding path until they came to the top. The girl sat down on the steps of a large stone tomb. Seating himself beside her on the chilly surface, Nick realised that from here they could see pretty much all of Glasgow. In fact, he had never really seen it quite like this. An impressive mix of buildings spread out below him, framed by the curves of the hills beyond. Sunshine glinted off the tiny wind turbines in the distance.
‘I’m Nick, by the way.’ He offered a hand.
She took it gingerly. ‘Jade.’ Hers was cool, but firm.
Nick looked out at the view again. ‘So, what’s this list you’re talking about?’ He couldn’t help asking. Any chance at happiness was worth a shot.
‘Well, this is number one.’ She gestured with her hands. ‘Go and look at a stunning view.’
She spoke the last words as if she was reciting something she had committed to memory.
‘Is that it?’ Nick was surprised. ‘I’d expected something, well, more dramatic.’
‘And you call this not dramatic?’ She pointed at the view.
He had to admit that she was right. White fluffy clouds raced above the hilltops. Below them the busy sounds of the city echoed up, blown to them on the wind. Seagulls whirled, shrieking as they dived among the tops of the mass of buildings below them. The variation in architecture was pretty amazing. Brutal sixties monst rosities mingled with elegant Victorian buildings and to their right the squat spires of the cathedral reminded him of the ancient history of the city.
‘I take it you’re not local then?’ It was more of a statement than a question from Jade.
‘No.’ Nick wondered how she had guessed, but then realised that his accent would mark him out, just as clearly as hers had showed she was Glasgow-raised. ‘I’m from Fort William.’
Jade looked at him for a long while, as if considering something. The grey smudges under her eyes stood out in her pale face. ‘Tell you what. Meet me next Saturday and I’ll tell you the second thing on the list.’
‘I thought you were just going to give me the list.’ Nick didn’t know if he wanted to get involved with what she was suggesting. He didn’t know her. This could just be some trick. To get him to –
To get you to what, exactly? His brain gave him a mental slap. Five minutes ago you were thinking about killing yourself. What have you got to lose? He found his hands were trembling again and he tucked them under his arms, hoping she hadn’t noticed.
Nick pushed away the part of him whispering that he shouldn’t get involved. Making connections when he wasn’t going to be around much longer would just be an added complication. But then, if he met this girl next weekend, that meant another week in his job. Living with the snide comments and the subtle bullying. Could he really do that? Was he really strong enough?
‘OK,’ he found himself saying.
Jade looked at him directly, a worried frown on her face. ‘You promise?’
The sunlight turned her brown eyes into gold-flecked pools that seemed to hypnotise his brain. ‘I promise.’
Jade got up, brushing off her hands. ‘Great. Ten a.m. Clydebank station. Don’t be late.’ She started to walk off down the hill.
‘Wait,’ he called after her. ‘You should give me your number.’
She waved a thin hand dismissively, not even bothering to turn. ‘No need. I know you’ll be there. A promise is a promise.’
As soon as she knew she was out of sight Jade sank down behind a nearby gravestone, making sure she was hidden from Nick's view. Her legs were suddenly wobbly. This wasn’t how she had imagined her sunny Saturday panning out. A casual stroll through town, up the hill, look at the view. Definitely not getting involved in the life of someone who had obviously been planning to jump. When she had first seen the figure on the bridge, standing tall in his bright blue jacket, she had thought at first he was looking at the scenery. But then she had seen his eyes were closed, with white knuckles gripping tightly onto the stonework, and she had suddenly known exactly what was going on. At least she had got him away from the edge. Now all she had to do was work out how to convince him that life was better than the alternative. Yeah. All she had to do was that. Just exactly what had she got herself into here? And how the hell was she going to do it?
Talking to Nick had brought back images that she just didn’t want to see again and they played out in her head like some kind of disjointed horror film. She balled up her fists into her eyes, but tears squeezed slowly out the sides and ran down her hands, chilling her skin as the wind dried them away.
See. This is why I didn’t want to get involved.
She needed to, though. For herself and her own sanity. She couldn’t go back and change the past, but if she could change the future, help someone else in the same situation, then maybe she could start to trust herself again. Maybe she could learn to sleep at night.
After a long while she lifted her head, staring out across the vast expanse in front of her. She took a deep breath, and then another one. She could be strong. She would be strong. She had Mum. And Dad. And Lily. And, just maybe, with Nick, she had the chance to redeem herself. To try and make things right. Fumbling for a tissue in her handbag, she rose stiffly and began the slow walk back down the hill and towards home.
The sun was low in the sky by the time she put her keys in the front door. She opened the door to a warmth and a smell of food that made her stomach rumble. Her mother was in the kitchen as usual, head bent over a pan. When she saw Jade she wrapped her in her arms and, ignoring her protests, smoothed back her hair.
‘Where have you been all this time?’ The question was not demanding, just curious.
‘Just around the city.’ Jade didn’t really want to share what had happened with Nick. ‘I went up to the Necropolis and then I walked home.’
‘What, all the way from town?’ Her mother stirred the sauce, anxious not to let it burn.
Jade shrugged. ‘It’s not far, just a few miles.’ She noticed the size of the pot. ‘What, are we having a party around for dinner again?’
Her mother laughed, pushing back her own short black hair as she did so. ‘No. Just meals to put in the freezer. I thought I would make some for you to take to work.’
Jade sighed, torn between love for her mother and an ongoing irritation at how she never listened. ‘Mum. You know we get food at work.’
Her mother tutted, stirring the pot again. ‘Yes. Chips and burgers and all that rubbish. No wonder you are so pale these days. I’m making you some proper food with vitamins in it.’
Jade was going to complain again but gave up and hugged her instead. ‘You’re the best, Mum, you know that.’ Her mother blushed, unused to such compliments from her daughter.
Jade sat down at the table, ready to sink into the warmth of the kitchen. But she couldn’t get the image of the man on the bridge out of her mind.
‘What’s wrong?’ The question intruded into her thoughts and she looked up, surprised.
‘What do you mean?’
Her mother pointed at the table. ‘Usually I put crisps out, they’re gone in five minutes.’
Jade looked, and yes, there was a blue bowl on the table. She took a handful, savouring the sharp tang of the vinegar. ‘My favourite. Thanks Mum.’
She told her mother about Nick.
‘Oh, Jade.’ The older woman closed her eyes. ‘Not the same place. What made you want to go up there?’
Jade reached for her hand, holding it tightly. ‘I’m fine, Mum, really I am. It’s just my way of dealing with it.’
Her mum squeezed back briefly before returning to the stove. ‘Well Jade, you know best,’ she said, determination in her tone. ‘You know I just want you to be happy, that’s all.’
There were a few minutes silence, then she turned towards Jade again. ‘Go and call your dad in for dinner.’
Jade went next door into the living room. The TV was on, but her dad had fallen asleep on the big black sofa as usual. She hated to disturb him when he was like this. He’d be out at work all night and he needed all the sleep he could get.
She put a hand gently on his shoulder and he stirred, smiling up at her. ‘There’s my girl. Must be time for dinner, eh?’
There was very little conversation during dinner as they sat round the little table. Jade preferred it like this now that there were just three of them. The warmth of the kitchen enclosed them as if the house was hugging them, and while they were here Jade could block out thoughts of what real life was like and just pretend that things would go on like this for ever.
Eventually Jade’s dad rose, wiping his mouth. ‘Best be off. Taxi fares don’t grow on trees.’ He wrapped his arms around his wife and kissed her soundly. ‘Thanks for the dinner, sweetheart.’ She squeezed his bum playfully, while Jade said ‘Eew, get a room!’ and they all laughed together. It was a ritual that had been played out ever since Jade could remember and she couldn’t imagine a family dinner without it. She held the image in her mind, savouring the warmth it generated in her thoughts.
Jade helped wash up and then went to her room. She lay on her bed, staring at the ceiling wishing she had taken Nick’s number. She felt an overwhelming urge just to contact him and find out his story. Who he was, where he came from, the whole works. But no, she would just have to wait until next Saturday. Patience is a virtue, she reminded herself with a little smile. That’s what Grandma would have said.
She looked over to where the photos sat on the small white bookcase. Growing up she had always wondered why people had pictures of dead people lying around, but now she knew. Her grandma smiled out from her frame, looking encouraging, as she always had. She must have been a strong woman, thought Jade. Having a Chinese woman as a daughter in law, at a time when the two communities barely talked to each other, must have been tough. But then, anyone seeing Jade’s parents together couldn’t doubt that they were deeply in love; even now, after almost thirty years of marriage. She lay back on her pillows, thinking about all these good things, and let the feelings of warmth and caring wrap around her like a blanket.
