Molly, p.1
Molly, page 1
ADVANCE PRAISE FOR MOLLY
“The most immediate feeling of life I’ve ever had reading a book—a life lived at the desk and out in the world, a life of openness and secrets. ‘Make art for me,’ Molly wrote to Blake. ‘I will read it all.’ I breathed along with every word.”
—PATRICIA LOCKWOOD
“How to praise a book of such wounded beauty as Blake Butler’s phenomenal Molly? The same way one would a life lost early: with love and sincerity and anger and wonder and lithely elegant and observant insights that remind us and inspire us, as Butler precisely does, to live and to love ourselves.”
—JOHN D’AGATA
“Molly is a brilliant and brutal book. Blake Butler fearlessly takes on love and grief and the mysteries of this world and the next.”
—EMMA CLINE
“A dark miracle—actual evidence that what we can never know, what we could never imagine about the one we love, is what binds us to them, beyond death.”
—MICHAEL W. CLUNE
“I was gripped from the start by this memoir’s urgent honesty. Blake Butler turned a story that was almost unspeakable into a narrative at once brutal and loving, broken and solid.”
—CATHERINE LACEY
© 2023 Blake Butler
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner in any media, or transmitted by any means whatsoever, electronic or mechanical (including photocopy, film or video recording, internet posting, or any other information storage and retrieval system), without the prior written permission of the publisher.
Published in the United States by:
Archway Editions,
a division of powerHouse Cultural Entertainment, Inc.
32 Adams Street, Brooklyn, NY 11201
www.archwayeditions.us
Daniel Power, CEO
Chris Molnar, Editorial Director
Nicodemus Nicoludis, Managing Editor
Naomi Falk, Senior Editor
Caitlin Forst, Contributing Editor
Library of Congress Control Number: 2023937145
ISBN 978-1-64823-037-0
Printed by Toppan Leefung
First edition, 2023
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Edited by Chris Molnar
Proofread by José Carpio
Printed and bound in China
This memoir contains graphic descriptions of suicide, suicidal ideation, and self-harm.
If you are contemplating self-destruction, please tell someone you trust. Immediate counseling is available 24/7 by dialing 1-800-SUICIDE or 988.
A Sunday afternoon in early spring. We’d spent the morning quiet, in separate rooms—me in my office, writing; Molly, my partner, in the guest room, working too, so I believed. Sometimes I’d pass by and see her using her computer or reading from the books piled on the bed where she lay prone or staring off out through the window to the yard. It was warm for March already, full of the kind of color through which you can begin to see the blooming world emerge. Molly didn’t want to talk really, clearly feeling extremely down again, and still I tried to hug her, leaning over the bed to wrap my arms around her shoulders as best I could. She brushed me off a bit, letting me hold her but not really responding. I let her be—it’d been a long winter, coming off what felt like the hardest year in both our lives, to the point we’d both begun to wonder if, not when, the struggle would ever slow. I wished there could be something I might say to lift her spirits for a minute, but I also knew how much she loathed most any stroke of optimism or blind hope, each more offensive than the woe alone. Later, while passing in the hallway in the dark, she slipped her arms around me at the waist and drew me close. She told me she loved me, almost a whisper, tender, small. I told her I loved her too, and we held each other standing, a clutch of limbs. I put my head in her hair and looked beyond on through the bathroom where half-muted light pressed at the window as through a tarp. When we let go, she slipped out neatly, no further words, and back to bed. The house was still, very little sound besides our motion. After another while spent working, I came back and asked if she’d come out with me to the yard to see the chickens, watch them scour through the grass for bugs, one of our favorite ways to pass the time. Molly said no, she didn’t want to go, but asked if I’d bring one to the bedroom window so she could see—something I often did so many days, an easy way to make her smile. Outside, it was sodden, lots of rain lately, and the birds were restless, eager to rush out of their run. I scooped up Woosh, our Polish hen, my favorite, and brought her over to the window where Molly sat. This time, though, when I approached, Molly didn’t move toward us, lift the sash, as she would usually. Even as I smiled and waved, holding Woosh up close against the glass, speaking for her in the hen-voice that I’d made up, Molly’s mouth held clamped, her eyes like dents obscured against the glare across the dimness of the room. Woosh began to wriggle, wanting down. The other birds were ranging freely, unattended—which always made me nervous now, as in recent months a hawk had taken favor to our area, often reappearing in lurking circles overhead, waiting for the right time to swoop down and make a meal out of our pets. So I didn’t linger for too long at the window, antsy anyway to get on and go for my daily run around the neighborhood, one of the few reasons I still had for getting out of the house. I gripped Woosh by her leg and made it wave, a little goodbye, then hurried on, leaving Molly there looking back out at where I’d just been, onto the lone sapling that she’d planted just last spring so one day she wouldn’t have to see the neighbors.
I corralled the chickens to their coop, came back inside. In Molly’s office, where I had a closet, I sat across from her while changing clothes. She seemed faraway, distracted, speaking very calmly. She said she’d just finished reading the galley of my next novel, and that she liked the way it ended: with the book’s disturbed protagonist suspended in a grim, panopticonic cryostasis, haunted by ads. I felt surprised to hear she’d finished, given her low spirit and how she’d said she found the novel difficult to read because it hurt for her to have to see the pain behind my language, how much I’d been carrying around all this time. I told her I was grateful that she’d made it through, that I wanted to hear more of what she thought after my run, already anxious to get on with it, in go-mode. My reaction seemed to vex her, causing a little back and forth where we both kept misunderstanding what the other had just said, each at different ends of a conversation: for me, the beginning; for her, the end. She remained flat on the bed as I kissed her on the forehead, squeezed her arm, said see you shortly, then proceeded through the house, out the front door. It was a clear afternoon, calmer than usual after many recent days of incessant rain. Coming down the driveway, I took my phone out to put on music I could run to and saw I’d received an email, sent from Molly, according to the timestamp, just after I had left her in the room. (no subject), and in the body, just: I love you, nothing else, besides a Word document she’d attached, titled Folk Physics, which I knew to be the title of the manuscript of poems she’d been working on the last few months. I stopped short in my tracks, surprised to see she’d sent it to me like that, then and there. Something felt off about it, too out of nowhere—not at all like Molly, or perhaps too much like Molly. I turned around at once and went inside.
During my brief absence, Molly had gotten out of bed, up and about for one of only a few times that whole day. I found her in the kitchen with the lights off, standing as if dazed by my appearance, arms at her sides. The room around us in that moment—dim, traced with a glow, half-hollow where the walls arrange themselves against the black side of my mind—will remain burned in my memory forever as the last time I’d see Molly alive, all prior memory we’d shared in that same space half covered over, like a drowned ship, the last few seconds of our home. Molly seemed to clench up as I came near her, letting me put my arm around her once again, but staying loose, confused, on edge. I realize now she must have had the gun on her already, getting ready for the endgame of her plan. She hesitated when I asked her if she’d finished her manuscript, said I was surprised she hadn’t mentioned it. Yes, she said, she guessed that it was finished, her diction tight, quiet, just like it had been all that week. A draft at least, like no big deal, still work to be done, always more. I told her I was excited to get to read it either way, that I was proud of her, and I squeezed her closer, just a moment, then let go. She seemed to hover there in front of me a moment, waiting mute for what I’d do next. I asked if after I got finished running, maybe we could go to Whole Foods, pick up some dinner stuff to cook together, maybe watch a movie, have a nice night. She said yes, that sounded good, and I said I’d see her soon, then left her standing in the kitchen in the dark.
On my run, I worked my way along the same path I often made around our neighborhood, following its pattern without thought. I don’t remember seeing any other people, then or later, though I must have; in retrospect, the smaller details fade to gray around the corridor of time spent rushing forward in the wake of what awaited just ahead. I’d always liked the way the world went narrow in this manner during exercise, leaving nothing else to do but the task at hand, one foot in front of the other, counting down without a number. Near the end of the run, as I did often, I decided to extend my route, turning back around to double back the way I’d just come, adding on an extra half-mile on a path that took me past the entrance to the gardens where Molly and I would often walk in warmer months along a creek, searching for animals. The sidewalks in this part of the neighborhood were cracked and bumpy, requiring specific care not to trip. I pulled my phone out to see ho w far I’d gone and saw a ping from Twitter telling me that Molly had made a post, just minutes past—a link to a YouTube video of “The Old Revolution” by Leonard Cohen, including her transcription of the song’s opening line: “I finally broke into the prison.” I liked the tweet and thumbed the link immediately, opening the song to let it play, happy to imagine her selecting the closing soundtrack for my run home, just a couple blocks away now. “Into this furnace I ask you now to venture,” Cohen sang, in cryptic lament, coyly backed by a doomy twang. “You whom I cannot betray.”
The song was still there with me in my head as I arrived back at our driveway. Looking up from halfway along the path toward our front porch stairs, I saw a shape covering the door’s spyhole—a plain white envelope, affixed with tape. My body seized. From early in our relationship I’d had visions of Molly picking up and leaving just like that, deciding on a whim and without warning she preferred to be alone. Running up the steps, already flooding with adrenaline, a pounding pulse, I saw my first name, Blake, handwritten in the center of the envelope’s face in Molly’s script. Immediately, I wailed, devoid of language, too much too fast, real and unreal. Inside the envelope, a two-page letter, printed out. My mind froze on the first lines:
Blake,
I have decided to leave this world.
Then there was nothing but those words—words to which I have no corollary, no distinct definition in that moment, even as simple as they seem. Every sentence I’ve tried to put here to frame it feels like a doormat laid on blood, an unstoppable force colliding with an intolerable object in slow motion, beyond the need of being named. Before and after.
Out of something like an instinct, I forced my eyes along the rest of the letter, not really reading it so much as scanning for a more direct form of information, anything she’d written that might tell me where she was—which, near the end of the second page, I found: I left my body in the nature area where we used to go walking so I could see the sky and trees and hear the birds one last time. Then: I shot myself so it would be over instantly with certainty and no suffering whatsoever. This time, when I screamed again, it was the only word that I could think of: No. I must have sounded like a child jabbed in his guts, squealing. I knew exactly where she meant—I’d run right by it, just minutes before, perhaps a few hundred yards away. I might have even crossed her path had times aligned right, had I known. A sudden frenzy of possible options of what to do next swarmed my brain, none of them quite correct, devised in terror.
At the edge of the sidewalk, I stopped and tried to think if I should go inside and get my keys and drive to where she might be, or if I should run there fast as I could, still in my running clothes, already half-exhausted and slick with sweat. Each instant that I didn’t do exactly the right thing felt like the last chance, a window closing. Finally, I took off running at full speed along the sidewalk, shouting her name loud as I could, begging her or me or God or whoever else might be able to hear me: No, please, Molly. Not like this. No matter what I said, there was no answer; no one on the streets surrounding, zero cars. Ahead, the sidewalk seemed to stretch so far beyond me, no matter how fast or hard I ran, growing longer with every step; all the houses shaped the same as they were always, full of other people in the midst of their own lives. As I ran, I tried to scan her letter, held out before me with both hands, already wadded up in frantic grip, scanning through fragments of despondent logic that felt impossible to connect with any actual moment in the present as it passed. “Everyone’s life ends, and mine is over now,” she’d written in present tense about the future, which was apparently in the midst of happening right now—or had it already happened? Was there still time? I felt embarrassed, sick to my stomach, to feel my body’s power giving out no matter how hard I tried to maintain sprint, forced instead at several points to slow down against the burning in my muscles, sucking for air with everything I thought I knew now on the line.
I couldn’t find her in the fields. The grass was high and muddy, and my running shoes kept getting stuck, sucking half off me, as I worked my way along unkempt plots of wild grass left overgrown through the winter and the vacant patches where in the spring ahead flowers would bloom. Everything felt blurred, moving much faster all around me than I could parse, more like a livestream of a too-real horror movie than my life. I was still screaming her name, begging her to answer, to be okay, but my voice just disappeared into the strangling silence. I searched the spots where last summer we’d returned daily to watch a mother duck care for her newborn flock; the bank of reeds where frogs would often sing till you got too near; the grown-together pair of trees Molly said she thought would resemble us in our old age someday. I kept calling her number, listening to it ring and ring until the default voicemail recording came back on, asking in an android woman’s voice for me to leave a message. Maybe in the memory on Molly’s phone now there’s a recording of me huffing and howling, just before I really understood that there was no way to go back, that nothing I could say or want or do could reverse what had taken place.
The longer she failed to turn up, the more I felt a desperate possibility that it wasn’t already too late—that she was out here somewhere, and I could save her. I realized I should call 911, holding the phone to my face while rushing through the mud into the far end of the gardens, clogged with trees. After what seemed endless ringing, an operator’s voice came on the line, firm and professional, and asked for my emergency. I heard the words come out of my mouth before I thought them: My wife left me a suicide note and I can’t find her. The operator asked me where I was, how they could reach me, and I kept trying to explain, uncertain how to be specific with the location of the gardens, of no immediate address. I can’t find her, I need help, I kept repeating in frustration when I couldn’t seem to get it right, please come and help me. The operator reassured me the police were already on their way, someone would be there very soon. In the meantime, she stayed with me on the line there as I hurried forward through the trees to where the gardens reached their end amid a sort of bog, studded with thickets and obscured patches, brambles, shrubs, so many possible places to end up. Every time I called her name, it felt a little less like her; as if what those syllables had meant to me for so long no longer bore resemblance to itself, and in its place, a widening hole, larger than all else.
Reaching the end of the bog area, I turned and started back toward the street. Close to the entrance, along the patch of land where some local group had planted food, I saw two women coming down the slope toward me, one near my age, the other probably her mother. I could see at once they looked concerned, had come to the area for a reason. “Did you hear a gunshot?” I begged of them in a pinched voice, desperate to hear a different answer than what I thought. Yes, they said, they had, and I felt something deep within me break—ambient anguish so overwhelming I should have fallen to my knees but could no longer remember how. Like having the skin ripped off your head and being asked to run a marathon on live TV, the finish line of which ends in a lake of burning bile. It’s not that time stands still in such a moment—it’s that there’s nothing you can do to make time stop, and every second lasts forever even as it’s over, as if what you’d thought previously impossible has suddenly become the organizing principle of who you are. I asked how long ago they’d heard the gunshot. They said ten minutes. I asked in which direction, and they pointed in the direction from which I’d come. “Are you missing your dog?” the younger woman asked, as I turned back to hurry where she’d pointed. “My wife,” I said, over my shoulder, and heard her groan like being struck, some broken bit of useless language: Oh my god.
I was completely frantic now, even more incensed with the task of finding as the world surrounding bent to blur; all locations interlacing in my periphery like abstract glyphs, behind one of which, somewhere, was Molly’s body. Between my clearer memories of this transition in time’s fabric, huge, wide blank patches, a jagged space in how I’d been that simply no longer exists. I remember moving away from those women as through a vortex, past cracks widening within my vision, the sound of my inhale like a black hole. As I hurried along the gardens’ path again, expecting at any second to come stumbling onto blood, I noticed another form there with me parallel, a man hurrying along the massive drainage pipe that laced the property, trying to help. Back near the far end of the trees, he shouted at me for her phone number, so he could call, too, as if she’d answer him instead of me. The only numbers I knew by heart were mine and my mother’s, I realized, stopping to stand there scrolling through my contacts till I found hers, then shouting it across the thickets for anyone to have. Right then, standing in the middle of a forest with my phone out, I felt as far as I have ever felt from salvation; like all of life’s minutiae was nothing more than illness and detritus, empty gestures, worthless hope. What if I never found her, I imagined, already able to imagine countless variations of the desolation just ahead; what would life be, in this hole, where space-time seemed stretched far beyond the point of breaking, no longer even scrolling forward, but just flapping, tearing skin off, empty space? I could already imagine it just like that—the nature of reality, comprised in violence so innate you don’t even need to find your loved one’s body to realize, with every passing moment, that you can’t go back, and that what’s ahead is little more than an endless and excruciating blur. I could barely think to lift my feet, but I was moving, through somewhere so far beyond adrenaline it felt like the world had finally actually gone flat, my blood replaced with poison, being dragged. Somewhere above me, though, if something was watching, it would have appeared like I was strolling by now, taking care to admire the minor aspects of the terrain, laying my wide eyes on anywhere the weeds and branches might obscure the truth from being found, a secret place that so far only Molly knew the shape of.
